MR. POOP GUY.

Lunch, Dinner.
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He appeared before me, in all his glamorous looks. Dressed in a black suit paired with a charming red wine tie. His chiseled jaw raised proud with a killer smile (Ian Somerhalder kind of smile).

His eyes sparkling and if he looked at you, you’d think he could see right through you, and his feather-like, full brows perfectly shaped. He was bald just like Sauti Sol’s Bien .Many people don’t like bald men, but I guess everyone has their own taste and preference, hence the saying ‘ beauty is in the eyes of the beholder‘.

His voice was that of any rich boy, honeyed and very proud. He introduced himself as Mike and every word he said beautiful but everyone didn’t feel compassion or trust for every word he said. He was eloquent when he spoke, he spoke 3 different languages which are English, Chinese and Spanish. He impressed most people because he was also sleek. He came to the office, we gave him his work badge, his room number and showed him his office where Chinese translators sat.
Mike was friendly, social and had a was a joker but would always put his work first.

A month went by and we started talking, hanging out and getting to know each other. What impressed me about him was that he liked food especially burgers from Urban Gourmet, hahaha who doesn’t love a good burger?? We agreed we’d go for burgers the next weekend.

The weekend arrived, and I was pretty excited that I am going to go for burger at Urban Gourmet. If you know, you know how food excites me. I waited for his call but he didn’t so I tried calling but in vain all I got was ‘mteja wa nambari uliyopiga hapatikani kwa sasa’  (I know all of you said it with the accent and everything, hehehehe). Since I couldn’t get to him, I let it go, but all of those praises didn’t matter because a man who can’t handle his liquor, well he’s just a No No No!!!! 

The next day, which was on a Monday, I got to work and as I sat, my friend Michelle tells me, ‘ Have you heard what your Abedy (code word for Boyfriend) did? I asked which Abedy and she says Mike.
I gave her the look which clearly shows I didn’t know anything. She sat down and said bihh so it went down like this…..

Yesterday your Abedy decided to get drunk on his salary and came back at around 3AM and caused drama, she pauses for a while then looks at me if I’m still interested and obviously I am. She then tells me he went and slept on his roomie’s bed but since he was stupid drunk he didn’t feel comfortable so he decided to sleep on the floor. They left him there and after afew minutes, Mike decides to crawl under the bed and removed his trousers and decided to take a dump 💩 💩 💩. Yeeh I know, I was like what????

Afterwards, his roomie wondered what he was doing, bending over he saw things he wasn’t supposed to see, he pulled him out of there and started arguing but the most disgusting thing he did was put on the same trouser on not having wiped his a**, he again shit on himself and started screaming on top of his lungs.

I stopped Michelle and told her to just keep quiet, the next statement Michelle said hit me like a turnado. Michelle said, ‘ The type of dudes that are attracted to you wanakosoro (have a problem) somewhere, meaning you also have a problem 😂😂😂😂’. As she finished laughing, I started self reflecting asking myself ‘ Kwani kunakashida Mahali??’

Look at my life

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